"I keep closing my eyes and basking--that is, my body basks; my mind is restless. I go backwards and forwards, recapturing the past, wondering about the future--and, most unreasonably, I find myself longing for the past more than for the future. I remind myself of how often we were cold and hungry with barely a rag to our backs, and then I count the blessings that have descended on us; but I still seem to fancy the past most. This is ridiculous. And it is ridiculous that I should have this dull, heavy, not exactly unhappy but--well, no kind of feeling when I ought to be blissfully happy. Perhaps if i make myself write I shall find out what is wrong with me."
--I Capture the Castle, Dodie Smith
I've been obsessed lately with saying how "weird" I feel. Yes, I do feel weird. I feel relieved, I feel exhausted, I feel sad, I feel bored, I feel like I've just jumped off a very tall cliff. Don't worry, there's water below me. And you know how much I love that stuff.
And as I'm not afraid of heights, this is as fun and as thrilling as it gets. But I'm still unsure.
That's allowed. It's all allowed. It's natural.
But never before have I had this feeling of being so ready, so helpless, and so homeless all at once.
By no means my best birthday gift, the one I think about most is perched right by my new speakers. Ganesha means beginnings, obstacles, changes.
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