Today at college I'm focused. I'll take it as a blessing considering how confusing everything has been. I have too much work to do and I'm confident that I will get it all done. But not the sort of confident that keeps me up till 2am with 1619a brimming with my new family who all happen to be the same age.
I just confessed to my mother how impatient I am to have someone to give myself to emotionally and physically. It's so silly and embarrassing that I want to cry a lot and hide forever, but I've been waiting for eighteen years. So I'm also ready to admit how embarrassed I am about it. My face will get redder before it gets any better. And it won't be ultimately Right right away. But at this point I have no way of separating what's right from what's wrong.
It's crisp today and the leaves are the brightest things I've ever seen in nature. But when I went outside my mind got caught in the wind, wisped to all those little places. I found myself thinking about change. Last time I checked I did too much changing in high school for me to have changed in the past two months. But I have nothing to measure against. And I truly love change, my body and mind crave it. But I panicked: "What if something too deep in my core changes?" I just learned to love who I am, but all of a sudden I felt, or hopefully imagined a looseness in something beautiful that's holding me together.
I'm prodding all over my mind and body now. Do I feel any wavering towers? I can't find a thing, except a little extra fear setting my heart running home. Wish it well.
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Believe me. 19 years of emotional and sexual angst. Bring it on.
ReplyDeleteChange is a good thing. : )
I'm excited for you.